When I was in TFA, they had us do a sort of self-care plan based on The Happiness Project – pick a thing that will make you happier every month, and then do that thing. I read The Happiness Project that year as well, and I liked it. I also enjoy Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin. With all that in mind, it’s kind of surprising that I didn’t read The Four Tendencies sooner – it’s the kind of self-helpy-introspective-personality test thing that I’m drawn to.
The Four Tendencies isn’t focused on a person’s overall personality, but instead is focused on the way in which we all either do or don’t do the things we need to or want to do. The Four Tendencies that Rubin outlines are below.
In reading this book I wasn’t really sure where I fit in – I know I’m not a rebel – I generally do what I’m told to. I do tend to ask a lot of questions about a lot of different things, so I thought I might be a questioner – I feel like I need to have a good understanding of a task before I do it, and I sometimes frustrate people with my questions. I also thought I could be an obliger or could be an upholder – when I think about changes I’ve made in my life, I have sometimes needed external accountability and sometimes not.
For example, when I decided to quit drinking, I just did – I didn’t need to talk to anyone else about it, I didn’t promise anyone that I would quit drinking. I just decided to quit, and then I didn’t drink anymore, and it’s stuck – that was two and a half years ago.
When I decided I wanted to run a half marathon, I signed up for the race, looked up some training plans online, and then started running a lot more. I sometimes ran with friends, or with a running group and sometimes on my own. I feel like having the race ahead of me pushed me to actually run more – without the external accountability of the race, would I have done all of that?
Unsure between the three of those tendencies, I had an inkling that maybe I took the Four Tendencies quiz at some point in the past – I searched through my email and found my quiz results from April 2019. It said that I was an upholder, and that seems right – I can think of a lot of different ways where I’ve met inner and outer expectations. There’s a part of me, though, that asks: “If I’m an upholder, why isn’t my life perfect?” My house is sometimes messy. I sometimes eat unhealthy food. I sometimes spend thirty minutes scrolling through Instagram when I could be doing something more productive with my time.
I realize that this is irrational – nobody’s life is perfect, and nobody is perfectly disciplined 100% of the time. For the most part though, I can meet internal and external expectations – the ones that I really care about.
This bit in the upholder quiz result really nailed it for me.
“However, Upholders may struggle in situations where expectations aren’t clear. They may feel compelled to meet expectations, even ones that seem pointless. They may feel uneasy when they know they’re not observing the rules, even unnecessary rules, or when they’re asked to change plans at the last minute. Others may find them rigid.
“There’s a relentless quality to Upholder-ness, which can be tiring both to Upholders and the people around them.”
Dang, Gretchen Rubin, you didn’t have to call me out like that!